It's normal for parents to have concerns about their children becoming sexually active. In part, we are confronting the fact that our children are growing up and making important personal decisions that may shape their adult lives. But the truth is you cannot make decisions for your son when it comes to his sex life, but you can make sure that he has all the tools he needs to make the best choices.
It is clear that you are proud of your son and his accomplishments and the choices he has made to work hard at school and in sports — that's terrific. And it's also important to remember that he will use his best judgment to make decisions about another area of his life — his sex life.
You mentioned that you have discussed sex with your son and that you 'tried to cover all the bases' — this is a great beginning for conversations in the future. It is likely that you talked about how to protect one's self from sexually transmitted infection and unintended pregnancy. If you haven't already, maybe you can talk with your son about the reasons why people choose to have sex and some of the feelings that may arise. As a parent, you probably have thought more about some of the possible negative consequences of sex than your son has — having sex can be wonderful but it can also make people feel vulnerable. Teens face special pressures and it may feel as though having sex is the only way to feel close and connected to another person.
Perhaps you can have another discussion with your son about how you are feeling and why you have the concerns that you have — to address your feelings of 'helplessness.' He may even sense that you are concerned about this. You might begin by giving him credit for all of his talents and accomplishments. Then tell him that you trust his ability to make good decisions for himself, but you are worried that he may choose to do something that could have an impact on his future choices. Assure him that you know he and his girlfriend are great people and that you would like to support him in making the best decisions he can. You can even ask him if there is something about which he would like your opinion or advice.
Lastly, it's perfectly fine to ask parents if they are going to be home when your son visits. And it may be okay that you spoke with the mother of your son's girlfriend about your thoughts and feelings — if you already have a relationship with her. We often become acquainted with our children's friends' parents, and sometimes even work together in the best interests of our children. The same may be true with the parents of the people our children date. But we must also respect our children's privacy as much as we value our own. So, if you are calling someone you don't know to alert her to the possibility that your kids may be getting sexually involved, put down the phone and think again. This is likely to be taken as very intrusive, and depending on the circumstances could be troublesome or even dangerous for the girl and for her family, It may even be taken as disrespectful of the girls family and their values.
Closer to home, interfering that way could jeopardize your relationship with your son. As his parent, you have every right to reason with him about what's going on in his life. But it won't get you anywhere to try to force your values on him by conspiring with others against him. A good way to judge how this might play out is to think about how your son would feel about any discussion you want to have with his girlfriend's mother. But remember, the best way to find out how your son feels about this — or anything else — is to ask him directly.
I think that the only way you will be able to feel completely comfortable is to understand that some situations with your son will be uncontrollable. It's important to have trust in the way you raised him and know he will make the right choice when it is time, and that if he decides to be intimate with her that he knows it is the right time for both of them.
You can't be scared that they may become intimate because he will do it eventually. All you can do is make sure that they've talked about and have a plan on how they intend to prevent unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. In addition to that, you can make sure that he knows the emotional issues involved, but then it is up to him where he wants to go from there. As much as you would like him to not be intimate it is something that you can't prevent.
Instead of calling the girlfriend's parent, you may want to ask your son if her parent will be home every time he goes over to her house. However, if you call the girlfriend's parents, you are telling your son that you don't trust him. I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, and I am also 17. If my mother went ahead and called my girlfriend's mom for the sole purpose of checking up on me, I would feel insulted because I would feel that she doesn't respect my life or trust me when I tell her my girlfriend's parents will be home. So my advice would be not to focus so much on whether or not to call her parents. Instead, put your energy into being there for him and trust that he will make an informed choice (thanks to you) that he and his girlfriend will be comfortable with. If however, you do choose to call her parents, then when the time comes and he needs someone to talk, he won't confide in you. By insuring he knows you are there for him, if he ever needs someone, you'll be the person he goes to for help. By all means, don't hesitate to communicate your values that you don't think he should be intimate at this time, but also let him know that if he does become intimate you will respect his decision.